Chain Gang

Richmond is finally getting the notoriety it deserves. The Ladies have known that Richmond is a gem for ...well, forever. And we love that others are noticing us as well. We've been the cute, quiet girl in the back of the bar for far too long! The Corporate Suits from Macado's have been seen around town eyeballing Richmond's cuteness. And there's local buzz about a critically-acclaimed chef opening a restaurant in the former Popkins space.

The quality of talent in the Richmond restaurant scene is incomparable. I stalk restaurant openings like Warren Buffett reviewing stock market trends. Which is why I have a bit of a bone to pick (pun) with guys who choose chain restaurants for scheduled dates. Unless it's past 10 p.m and nothing will curb my hunger like a cheap meal from a chain restaurant, then there's no excuse. Zero! Not only does it not show forethought and planning, it shows your lack of respect for the quality of dining experience to be had in RVA.

TGI Fridays, Ruby Tuesday, Chili's, and O'Charley's are not date night spots. Not even Outback. Yeah, I said it. Now what? (When did Outback separate from the pack and come to represent the upper echelon of dining?) These are chains for suburban families who want to feel like they're experiencing a night out on the town. They want the cup of crayons for Junior to doodle and a line cook preparing that $8.99 meal with the same repetition as he did last week. **Before I incite a riot let me say that I understand that money, time, and distance are factors, as well as confidence in consistency. Trust me, I have supported local restaurants that have been very inconsistent with quality of food and service. And there will be no Manager to kneel by my table and hand me a corporate gift card for my troubles if I say my steak was well done instead of medium.

Don't you dare settle for flair!

However, hombres, get to know your city if you would like to impress a girl. When you ask me what kind of food I like, have a knowledge base. I'll start you off:

Italian...... Don't say Olive Garden. The last person who took your lady to Olive Garden was probably either her parents or grandma. If you want her to have romance on her mind, check out Deco or Edo's Squid.

Seafood...... Red Lobster is off the table. Acacia, Rappahannock, and Water Coastal Kitchen are all wonderful date night spots with chefs who won't dry out salmon until it's jerky. Salmon jerky? Gross. When all else fails, there's always The Boathouse. The Boathouse (Rocketts) doesn't have the best seafood in town, but one could easily argue that they have the best view.

Pizza....... Don't name any place that guarantees delivery via a national commercial. Keeping it casual is a fine idea, but let's not forget our hometown hero of Bottom's Up Pizza. You boys can get creative by suggesting a nice stroll on the canal to burn off those pizza toppings. Bonus! There's also the local fave, Tarrant's, which boasts wonderful service in addition to pizza.

Good ol' American burgers....Just say no to anything with a drive through window. Burger Bach is a little piece of New Zealand right here in Richmond. Impress your date with quality burgers instead of frozen patties. They even have a new location in Short Pump in case location is a factor for ya. Or hit up Carytown Burgers and Fries where the staff is always fun. If budget is a big concern, take your gal to Dollar Burger Night at any Capital Ale Location.

Latin American....Try a place without plastic tablecloths. I understand time...and hunger...may be of the essence some times and you're lucky that the two of you can squeeze in the date at all before the next Hale-Bopp comet; however, try to have a bit of ambiance with your chips and salsa. Try Casa del Barco on a lovely evening. There's a patio and a fantastic view of the canal that will increase the romance factor. Havana 59 isn't particularly known for their food, but the combination of summer air, mojitos, and Thursday salsa nights is incredibly sexy.


Other Notables: The Roosevelt, Can Can, Amuse, Heritage, Stella's, The Savory Grain, Selba, Balliceaux, and Pasture.


The phenomenal variety of restaurants around RVA is one of the best aspects of living here. We're barely scratching the surface with these suggestions. If you take the time to stay up on which restaurants are opening and thriving around town, your lady will not only appreciate your thoughtfulness, she'll associate you with adventure and romance. She'll tell all her friends how cool you are. They'll want you to "Tell your friends to get with my friends, and we can be friends". Do you hear what we're saying, guys? When it comes to restaurant selections, don't be part of the Chain Gang.

How Far Is Too Far?

When referencing distance I'm not talking about 1st base, 2nd base, or 3rd base. We're all adults. And if you're not, please close this window and go do your homework. Even if you don't have any, go read a book. Those SATs won't pass themselves. I digress. Distance in this situation is referring to areas of town. Richmonders can be clique-y in regards to their sections of Virginia's capitol. An outsider would think we were all in gangs the way certain people rep South Side or the West End with fervor.

Which leads me to ask the question, is there an area of town that is too far for you to travel for a guy? Or an area of town to which you will not venture at all? Some ladies won't travel out of the Fan. Some ladies see no problem racking up those miles towards their next oil change going back and forth to Charlottesville for a nice conversation over tapas.

I have to go through how many tolls? 

For me, it all depends on how much I like the guy. For instance, I've had a first date in which I had to go deep into Chesterfield. How far you ask? I don't know because I'm pretty sure I dozed off somewhere on Chippenham. The date was already mediocre. Well until I saw framed pictures of his cat.... all over! ( I'm all for loving thine animals. But taking thine animals to Sears Portrait Studio is a bit much.) So when we get to the "We should hang out again" portion of the evening yours truly started thinking about distance. Is it worth giving it a second date? Maybe he's nervous. Maybe he REALLY likes his cat and there's an abandoned kitten in a drainpipe story in there somewhere. However, what really tipped the scales was when I thought, "Mmm, yeah no, this is too far."

On the other hand, I've willingly headed past Short Pump to hang out (and on a school night).  Chilling with a guy that I can connect with means I turn into a U.S. Postal Service mail carrier. Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow, nor hail will make me miss a chance to hang out. Not really, but I did drive there in the rain once.  Wipers were on high speed too. I'm one tough cookie. But location and distance was never an inhibiting factor when it came time for me to decide to meet up for another date on 'his' side of town.

My point is this: restaurants and movies are great date locations. And the Meet in the Middle approach works for the first few dates. But if you are on the fence about a guy, I've found a true test that will knock you on one side of the lawn is finding out how far you are willing to drive to his place to watch a Netflix movie. Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do I really want to see this movie? 

• Yes!
• Not really.

2. Is it worth the drive?

• Yes!
• Not really. Gas isn't cheap. I will rent the movie myself.

Here are your Cosmo Girl quiz answers:
If you answered No to the movie, but Yes to the drive, then congrats, you actually like the guy. So much so that you'll take a nap before the drive to ensure you don't fall asleep on the way to a movie you have no interest in seeing.

If you answered No to both, obviously you don't like the guy and you should gear up to have that conversation.

If you answered Yes to both, you must really have a crush on that movie. (If Ryan Reynolds is in it, save me a seat. Maybe we can carpool.)

Readers: How far is too far for a date? Do you have neighborhood barriers? Mileage barriers? Commute time barriers?

To Google or Not to Google, That is the Question

Earlier this week, Richmond.com published this Dating in Richmond column about cyber stalking exes. While The Ladies would advise you to defriend, delete, and otherwise disengage from any toxic exes in your life, cyber stalking... err, investigation sometimes has its merits. Fifty years ago, women often met their significant others through a family member or friend. In today's world, we frequently find ourselves going on dates with men who are outside our normal social circles, particularly if we've met them online. This raises an interesting question: Should you google a man before you meet him?

Personally, I'm a huge proponent of doing some online research into the man you'll be seeing. Not only does it help you determine if the guy is being truthful about his background, but it allows you to steer conversation towards interests you have in common. Additionally, if you share my tendency to stick your foot in your mouth, having information about the guy ahead of time can help you avoid a blunder.

Truthfully, there are darker reasons to look someone up as well. I once broke off a date with a man who had shirtless photos publicly visible on his facebook page. Let's just say I was not interested in seeing all that in person! One friend once went on several dates with a man before discovering a blog warning that he had an STD. We should all be wary of the man whose facebook profile still contains multiple photos of his last girlfriend. On the flipside, google searches have also shown me that previous beaus came from particularly distinguished families, had won golf tournaments they were too humble to mention, or had interesting academic accomplishments that weren't likely to come up in conversation.

One word to the wise: NEVER tell a man that you've done online research on him until you're far into a relationship--even if he asks! A guy once went into great detail about all the ways he had researched me on our second date. (It didn't help that he had decided I was the perfect woman and had already shared this with all his friends). Even as a champion internet researcher myself, my date's lack of discretion in revealing this left me with an icky feeling. Don't do it, kids!

Readers: Do you research your dates? Would it bother you if your dates researched you?

Selfie on the Shelfie

We can't stop the locomotive that is the selfie phenomenon. It has been added to the Oxford English dictionary and an entire generation of tweens use the word with as much frequency as "the" or "and." Celebrities are using it for self promotion and soon publicists will be jobless. So while I am not petitioning for the demise of the word, I am advocating its demise in the dating world. Specifically, those males that believe it's appropriate to send selfie pics to a female they have recently met: pics of the PG, R, NC-17, and even X variety.

Guys, stop sending these!

Fellas, here's why unsolicited selfies are inappropriate:

A) If I just met you in person I already know what you look like. If I've forgotten, then I was really drunk or I should have a CT scan to figure out why I'm having lapses with my short term memory. Either way, you should be concerned that I don't remember you and stop the pursuit.

B) If I haven't met you in person, then it's a crap shoot on whether or not I'm going to think that poorly lit bathroom pic is hot. Do you really want to take that chance? If you do, then don't be surprised if about 2 minutes after you send that lovely digital artwork I then cancel our first meeting due to a sudden case of Scarlet Fever... that I picked up on the Oregon Trail.

B.2) While we're on the subject of bathroom selfies....stop them. Immediately. The fact that they're a whole sub-genre of selfie infuriates me. Even if you have a huge bathroom with Italian Marble and Jacuzzi tub, that is the worst place to take a picture. That is where people pee. And as females, we notice the mirror that's bespeckled with toothpaste or the toilet paper holder sans tp. It's actually the FIRST thing we notice. "Dude? What dude? There was a dude in that pic? All I noticed was the moldy shower curtain in the background." And naturally we judge you about it. Harshly. Therefore, dear male counterparts, if you insist on continuing the legacy of the bathroom selfie, for the love of God clean the bathroom and put a roll of Charmin on the holder.

C) It's not as impressive as you may think. Even if you're muscular. (You guys actually get points deducted for shirtless pics. They're creepy.) Sure your physical appearance comes into play, but we're much more impressed by things like your vocabulary, your interest in your job, your ability to navigate Richmond without a GPS, etc.

Now notice I've used the word 'unsolicited.' If chicks want to go around asking for topless bathroom selfies, have at it, it's a free country. I'm speaking for the 98% of Richmond females who treat the unsolicited selfie like a spam email. First there's anger. Then immediate deletion. Guys, I suggest if you don't want to be Spammed, behave as you would in a world pre-selfie. Think back to ye olde ancient times of 2000. How did you try to impress a girl then? Yeah, do that instead. Anything but a selfie.

Love Me Tinder

I recently came across this hilarious video about Tinder. For those who are wondering what the heck Tinder is, it's an app that integrates with your facebook profile and allows you to search for people of a certain age within a certain geographic distance. You swipe through profiles meeting your set parameters and rate the individuals as either attractive or not. If someone you think is attractive also rates you as attractive, Tinder lets you know you've matched and allows you to chat. Several of my friends have dated people they met this way, and over a few beverages at a party, a girlfriend of mine convinced me to set up a profile.

Because Tinder is free and based on geography, it has developed a reputation for being a hookup app. (see this mention of Olympians using Tinder to hook up with other athletes.) Essentially, if you're sitting at home bored on a Friday night, you can start chatting with your matches to see if anyone's willing to meet up on the fly. While I have certainly been propositioned by guys I've matched with, I personally love Tinder, and here's why:

1. People you find unattractive can't talk to you. Think about it: Isn't this generally the worst part of online dating? For women, maybe 20% of the messages we get through online dating sites are from men we actually want to talk to. That being said, you can't tell the following about someone from Tinder until you ask: height, whether they smoke, or parenthood status-all 3 of which are potential deal breakers for me.

2. You can see who your mutual friends are.  Because Tinder integrates with facebook profiles, it allows you to see if you have any mutual friends with your matches. You can also see if you've "liked" any of the same pages on facebook. Here in Richmond, if I match with a guy close to my age and we have no mutual friends or interests, he either just moved here or we have nothing in common.

3. It's easy to look up further information about your matches. Again, because of Tinder's integration with facebook, everyone on Tinder has a facebook profile by default. If you can't find someone relatively quickly through a facebook search, that's a red flag that they're using fake photos or information (which, in my experience, rarely happens). If you have mutual friends with a match, it's usually easy to find them by searching through the mutual friend's friends.

4. Tinder opens the door to talk to acquaintances in a different way.  Since being on Tinder, I've struck up conversations with one of my favorite local bartenders and a cute friend of a friend, neither of whom I've ever spent much time with one on one. Chatting with the bartender gave me some information that helped confirm that I should not, in fact, go there; chatting with the acquaintance led me to think maybe I've judged him too harshly in the past.

So back to the video that originally inspired this post. Is Tinder just a hookup app? A lot of people do use it that way. As soon as a man asks you, "So what are you looking for on here?", you can generally expect some form of proposition. Personally, I head those off by answering honestly that I'm looking to meet new people to date. I have met men who quickly asked me out and made their (honorable) intentions clear. There have also been some gray area invitations to meet up with guys who live nearby at a neighborhood bar. Having not pursued any of those, I can't say whether they were angling for a hookup or ambiguously asking for a date.

Some final words about Tinder: Once you swipe "no" on someone's profile, you'll probably never see it again. I personally swipe yes to anyone who seems cute and interesting; if they turn out not to be, I can always block them later. Tinder's GPS system can also be inaccurate at times, so you may find yourself matched with users from NoVA or Hampton Roads.

Readers: Have you tried Tinder? What do you think?

Coming of Age

While reading a book by a hilarious young comedienne, one particular section immediately made me sit up and slap a post it flag on the page.  Seriously. Like made me fling the warm flannel sheets and duvet covers off me, walk through the chilly atmosphere bare footed, turn on lights and search for my stash of post it flags. Reina does NOT like to be cold, so this was muy importante.

In this section, the writer discussed the moment she realized she could define what dating a man vs. dating a boy meant for her. We all say we want to date a man. When online dating profiles ask us what we're interested in there isn't a space for "Men, Women, ....Boys?" Why? Because:

 A) I'm sure the Feds and the To Catch a Predator folks are all ready to flag your account and storm your house

B) No grown woman is actually interested in boys

But when you say you want a man, what does that mean for you? What are the characteristics that you look for? The author said it was when she noticed her date actually committed to things. Not just relationships, but other things: heavy furniture, hanging wall art, a mortgage, a car payment. Notice the focus isn't about superficial items like whether the wall art is a Picasso or an Ikea print or whether the furniture is from LaDiff or Haynes (btw, you're reading a Richmond blog, so you better know what these places are). Rather that it's a piece of art that was purchased for the specific purpose of nicely decorating a living space. It's not the free Budweiser poster he got in college for signing up for a credit card during his Ultimate Frisbee break on the Quad. Real deal wall art. Bonus points if he has groupings of items in a quadrilateral formation.

I can totally relate. Ladies, how many times have you been impressed with a guy's place for the simple fact that the furniture matched? Or that you didn't have to be scared to sit on the sofa because he may have dragged it from the street? Or plates? Or glassware? Yes, glassware. Boys seem to give you water out of a stolen beer stein, a collegiate plastic cup that pulls double duty as a pen cup (or razor holder) that he so graciously empties out for you, or anything else with a slogan on it. But when you can quench your thirst from actual glassware....glory be! This here's a man. Like he went to Target and bought a whole set of matching tumblers. Ok, so maybe his mom gave them to him. Who cares? He didn't exchange them for a video game. He kept them and knows where they are in the cupboard!

Hey, it's clean. I saw him wash it.

I once dated a guy who had an impressive collection of shot glasses. No plates, 2 plastic NFL tumblers, and the jury's still out on if silverware existed. He was hilarious, cute, and we got along fabulously....that is, when we actually hung out. Mr. Shot Glass Aficionado couldn't actually make concrete plans. I slowly learned that he was very casual when it came to time management. Lots of oversleeping, getting caught up in some video game, or general absentmindedness about things. Men don't consistently oversleep for work. Men don't stay up till the wee hours playing Madden. If my birthday dinner slipped your mind, then I'm pretty sure that Visa bill did too. Boys eventually grow up to be Men (there's a whole R&B group that says so). So there's no need stressing about it or getting frustrated or forcing your will upon him because your biological clock is ticking. Let him do his thing and you do yours. He will now be your funny friend you can call at 1 a.m  when you have an urge to play Madden.

And I'm not saying that lack of glassware is a sign, but....

What is your trigger that tells you "This here's a Man and not a Boy?"

Smokey The Bear

One popular dating website that I’m a member of sends me guys everyday – that are supposedly matched to me using 29 dimensions of compatibility – whatever that means.  I’ve met a few nice guys on it, but ultimately we were just not romantic matches.

Enter Smokey the Bear.  40.  Silver fox.

I suffered through the 16 steps you have to endure before actually exchanging emails. And I was excited.  In his profile he said that people noticed “his voice” second after his looks.  Um, hello sexy?  Yes, indeed.  We spoke on the phone twice and his voice, low and raspy, made my knees quake.  He also claimed to be a lawyer and he plays bass in local and national bands.  What?!  Smart, successful and he can play music that would make me swoon??  I began DVRing “Say Yes to The Dress”…

We planned to meet one weeknight this winter.  Unfortunately, it started snowing and the roads were impassable.  I told him that we could postpone, but he insisted on meeting me and picking me up.  I said that while I normally never accept rides from strange men that I was pretty sure he wasn’t an axe murderer and accepted his offer.

I tried to look sexy and a little rock n’ roll with my jean mini skirt and black boots.  I even wore my Chanel perfume that I only bust out for special occasions.  Then I got his text.  He was outside!  Smelling good but nervous sweating just a little, I locked the door to my house and turned to walk to his car.  As I walked toward him he was on my side of the car, ready to open the door for me, snow falling all around.  Hello chivalry!

And then all of a sudden, the love fog began to lift.  He was handsome enough.  But behind him was a POS beater car circa 2002!  He was wearing a bomber jacket from 1992!  Wait, what decade was I in? I reluctantly got into his car and then - the stench of cigarette smoke choked my respiratory system!  I glanced down between the car seats and there was a disposable razor in a blue Solo cup.  Used.  I wanted to run but then his door opened and he got in.  I dared not let the back of my head touch the headrest for fear that my porous, just washed, flower scented hair would suck up the ashtray smell.

Luckily our destination was just a couple of blocks away.  I asked Bear to let me out at the door while he found a place to park – not because I was a wuss and didn’t want to walk in the snow, but because if I tried to hold my breath much longer I would literally die.

As I sat in Can Can waiting for him, I chugged a half a glass of very nice white wine.  I waited about 10-15 minutes.  As he walked in and sat down at the table with me, I smelled fresh cigarette smoke.  Seriously? The dude smoked another stogie on his walk from the car to the restaurant.  He took off that Member's Only jacket to reveal an old t-shirt with a pair of terrible fitting jeans with a black dress belt (the kind you wear with suits).  We started to talk and his voice was LOUD and DEEP.  So loud that I swear people around us were snickering.  So yes, I guess he was at least truthful in his profile about his voice.

After two drinks I said that we should probably go because I was afraid the snow was getting worse.  He seemed disappointed and said, “Are you sure?”  I said yes.

As we pulled up to my house, I gave him a quick side hug so he wouldn’t try anything.  He said to me, “Well if this doesn’t work out between you and I, I’d love to still be friends.”  I said okay, but knew that wasn’t going to happen. 

I shut his car door and walked swiftly into my house.  I stripped my clothes off as I ran up the stairs and got immediately into the shower. I washed my hair but the next day it still smelled like smoke.

He texted me later that night to say he had a good time and I didn’t text him back. 

Lesson #423: If he’s an old rocker and has a raspy voice, ask if he smokes.

Love,

Viveka

Oh but props to Can Can for having amazing French wine and cool bartenders that don't give me stink eye when I show up every other week with a new first date…

Welcome to Kiss And Tell Richmond!

What happens when 6 single ladies in their thirties sit around comparing stories of life on the dating front of their small Southern city? An entertaining blog is born. We hope our stories will keep you laughing, show our fellow single sisters that you're not alone, and even offer some advice for the men out there who are just as confused as we are. Because there are about 3 degrees of separation in Richmond, we do not reveal our actual names or those of our suitors. However, we will happily give you the skinny on any particularly fabulous places to go on a date or local events that are great for singles. In turn, we hope you'll let us know your tips and tricks for surviving life in singledom.