5 Mistakes That Get You Ignored on Match.com

It may not surprise you to hear that all of the ladies have had multiple stints on match.com in our search to find Mr. Right. While Match is not personally my favorite online dating platform, here in Richmond it certainly is the most popular option for the professional set. So gentlemen, based on the many hours of our lives we've spent reviewing your profiles, here are our suggestions for how to get the attention of quality women:

1. NO SELFIES!!! Nothing says "I have no friends" like a profile pic you took of yourself in your bathroom mirror or from the driver's seat of your car. Seriously, unless you're about a 13 on a scale of 1 to 10, having a selfie profile pic is sure to get you passed over.

1.5 Please don't use photos of you and your car, you and some animal you once killed, or you in an obvious state of intoxication. No matter how proud you may have been of those moments at the time, the Ladies and I will screenshot you and mock you via group text.

2. If you don't have kids, don't have kids in your main profile picture. I'm gonna assume they're yours.

3. Muscles are wonderful things. I can still tell you have them if you're wearing a shirt in your photos.

4. Just say no to abbreviated user names. Having "The1_4U" next to your photo does not inspire my confidence that reading the rest of your profile is a good use of my time. I personally appreciate user names that reflect some aspect of your background or personality, i.e. "HikingJason" or "RamEngineer".

5. If you have a wife or girlfriend, GTFO Match. News flash, everyone can see how often you log in. Go be sketchy somewhere else. (We're talking to you, Dedic8edGentlemn)

My dos and don'ts for what to include inside your profile are worthy of a-whole-nother post. Guys, everything I've mentioned above is just what's visible on basic Match search results. Even when I'm not actively using Match to meet guys, I can log in with my user name and search through profiles for fun or to check out someone one of the Ladies just met. Please do all of us a favor and take down the shirtless bathroom selfies, bizarre user names, or profiles trolling for someone who doesn't realize you have a wife.

Did You Just Say That Out Loud?

I'm going to let you guys in on a Not-So-Secret: I'm a woman of color. Let's call that color Paloma Pink as it really doesn't matter for the purposes of the following story. So get comfortable and break out the snacks and wine because this story is a doozy.

I "met" the guy featured in this story on eHarmony. He lived out of town but seemed nice enough so I went through the website's question gauntlet. After making it through that process, we exchanged numbers and started texting. The first night of texting consisted of the usual "Where are you from" sort of pleasantries. The next day, we spoke briefly about the crappy weather we had just had. He then asked me what I found attractive in a guy. I said intelligence, wit and confidence were all attractive qualities. Then the conversation took an unexpected turn. 

Yeah. Just like that but not nearly as cool.

Paloma (P): Confidence is an attractive trait in a guy.
Guy (G): Well, I have that in spades.
P: LOL
G: I've never f*cked a [Paloma Pink] girl before.
P: {Stunned silence)

WTH?!?!

G: I've always wondered what it would be like. You know, how different it would be.
P: Are you being serious?
G: Yeah! I think it would be a great experience. I heard [Paloma Pink] girls are amazing and wild in bed.
P: [More stunned disbelieving silence]

Seriously. WTH?!?!

G: Did I offend you?
P: Yes  you did. Your comments were extremely offensive.
G: Lighten up. I meant it as a compliment.
P: I'm not an Other to be used to satisfy your fantasies or fetishes.
G: I know. Sometimes I put my foot in my mouth. Let's start over and pretend that didn't happen.
My response? Said no, stopped the convo and then walked out my bedroom like a boss (just seemed like the right thing to do at the time). It all looked kind of like this:

Yes, that conversation really happened. Yes, it was incredibly rude and offensive on multiple levels. I mean, come on. In what world is it ok to speak to someone like that? Nowhere but this guy's mind. There's no reason to put up with disrespect of any sort, even if dating pickings seem slim. If someone is being offensive or disrespectful, let them know and let them go.

Swagger Factor

We've all been there.

It's a lovely date at a reputable Richmond dining establishment. The food is delicious, the wine is flowing, and the ambient chatter in the dining room isn't too loud. You're staring across the table at your date. He's handsome enough, doesn't give off any weird vibes, hasn't mentioned a prison conviction/baby mamas/his social treatise on the inferiority of women. He went to a good school. He has a successful career. He's asking thoughtful, but not intrusive questions. His nail beds are clean, he's wearing a decent watch, and it looks like he ran a hot iron over that button up. (Bonus points if it came from Ledbury.)

You're being charming. Your laughter is appropriate and well-timed. You flip your hair enough to appear coquettish but not so much that you look like a spastic ditz. As he talks, you listen and observe. You're mentally checking off all of the qualities you look for in a partner.



He pays the check, walks you to your car. The two of you chat a bit and make plans to "do it again sometime." Maybe there's a hug in there somewhere or a shy peck on the cheek. On the drive home you have hundreds of text messages from gal pals asking how your date went. "It went fine" you reply. It really did. You're not lying. But why do you feel as if you are?? Why do you have this gnawing sensation that something just wasn't quite right??

You toss and turn for the rest of the night. You replay the ENTIRE date in your head the next day at work. You meet for drinks with your girlfriends to analyze and discuss. WTF is wrong?? Why are you not jazzed about seeing this seemingly perfect male specimen again? And then, one day while you're in the shower or sitting at a red light, it hits you.......EUREKA!
.....THERE WAS NO SWAGGER FACTOR!

Don't ask me for a Wikipedia-esque definition because I will be unable to provide one. Each girl's definition of the Swagger Factor is different. You ever seen a nerd pull a random hot chick (without the use of dollar bills)? It's because in her eyes he exudes Swagger. Maybe he said something that made her laugh. Maybe she was turned on by the elbow patches on his sweater. No matter. Because for each female, the main constant in the equation for Swagger Factor is her desire to bang him. There's something about nerd boy that biologically affects Barbie enough to want to bang him.

For those of you old enough to remember, I'm going to reference My So Called Life, a wonderful teen angst show that was cancelled prematurely and thus negatively affected an entire generation as a result. Angela (played by Claire Danes) had a 'thang' for Jordan Catalano (played by Jared Leto). He wasn't smart. It was the early 90's, so he dressed like a hobo. But in one scene, when asked why she was crushing so hard on Jordan Catalano, Angela's response was, "I don't know. He just leans great."

Just shut up and keep leaning.

Why do I remember that one line from 20 YEARS AGO (omg I'm that old?!)? I'll tell you why...because it's true. Jordan Catalano had Swagger Factor and all that dummy hobo had to do was lean nonchalantly on a locker. His standing presence made Angela wanna be a groundbreaker for MTV's "16 & Pregnant." There are certain men who have Universal Swagger Factor: David Beckham, George Clooney, and Channing Tatum to name a few.

So the next time you're sitting in a restaurant parking lot asking yourself why you're hesitant to confirm a second date with the clean-cut CEO who volunteers at an orphanage on weekends and makes Shrimp Fra Diavolo from scratch, relax. You're not crazy. You just can't find his Swagger Factor. Shhhh.... Shhhhh. Stop crying because it's okay.

Top 7 Secrets to a Successful Fun Buddy Relationship

In my last post I shared why I think a "Fun" Buddy can serve as an important buffer between you and bad dating decisions. While I'm a big proponent of FBs, these arrangements can be tricky. Here are my top 7 tips for successfully having a Fun Buddy.

1. Don't get attached to your FB. This is rule #1 for a reason. It's OK to genuinely care about your FB as a person, but the moment it feels like more than that, you need to walk away (at least for a while). The easiest way to avoid breaking this rule is to have a FB with some glaringly obvious dealbreaker; for Yummy Dummy and me, that was intellectual mismatch.

2. Don't try to make an ex a FB. Research shows that it's almost impossible to have casual hookups with any man with whom you once imagined marriage and babies. Let's stop pretending anyone ever handles this well.

3. Don't see your FB on the weekends. Save your Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights for dates or your girlfriends. Hello, that's when all the single men of the world are out and about. Which makes it exactly the wrong time to be holed up in bed with Mr. Wrong.

4. Be honest with your friends about your FB. There are a lot of reasons for this. a) Why lie to your friends about who you were just texting? b) Your friends are the best people to keep you from breaking rules 1 and 2. c) If, God forbid, you do break rules 1 or 2, you're going to need your friends. d) Involving yourself in any sort of secret situation with a man is no bueno. Discretion: good; secret affair with a creeper from the internet: bad.

5. Keep your FB separate from your regular life. Yummy Dummy and I live on opposite ends of town and run in completely different social circles. In a city the size of Richmond, that's a huge
bonus.

6. Connect with your FB on social media. It's easy to hide your Fun Buddy in the long list of your facebook friends or instagram followers. Knowing his life helps you to avoid hitting him up when he's out of town, dating someone, or anything else that would make doing so embarrassing. It's also very helpful for rule number 1 - the more often you're faced with whatever annoying, dealbreaking behaviors your FB has, the easier it will be to keep the situation casual.

7. Treat your FB with respect, and demand respect from them. Keeping someone's number in your phone solely for the purpose of drunkenly hitting them up at 1 am is rude and disrespectful. If you want to have an ongoing FB arrangement with someone, treat them like you would any other casual friend whose company you enjoy for one reason or another.

Workable Fun Buddy situations don't just pop up every day. However, if you can find the magic person who's hot but un-date-able and manage to be honest with yourself and everyone else about him, you've hit the jackpot. Enjoy having a sex life without having to date weirdos to get it!

My Worst Date Ever - We Have a Winner!

Congratulations to our twitter follower @simplyTricie for this submission to April's Worst Date Ever contest! All of the ladies agreed... none of us could top this one!

I have had the misfortune of having several horrible dates but the following one sticks out the most.

I was a junior in college and had just broken up with my high school sweetheart.  I wasn’t looking to date anyone, but my roommate dared me to set up a profile on Match.com. Not one to back down from a challenge, I did. A few guys sent me messages (this was way before they started charging to send emails) but one seemed to stand out from the rest.  We exchanged messages and eventually phone numbers.  We talked on the phone for a few weeks and he finally asked me out and suggested we meet up at the local ice cream parlor.

 



Thought this would be us....



 

Now, momma didn’t raise a fool, so I took many precautions.  Told my roommate where I was going and even gave her a time to call me, just in case I needed a reason to leave.  I also put a knife and a can of mace in my purse.

I arrived at the parlor and waited… and waited for about 15 minutes. I hate when people are late so I was irritated. As I got up to leave, he shows up (someone dropped him off) and apologized.  Two things stood out to me while talking to him. The abundance of red clothing and he barely opened his mouth when talking.  We sat down to talk. I declined on ordering anything because I had a feeling this date wouldn’t last long.

 

During our conversation, I mentioned all the red he was wearing and joked about him being in a gang. I was shocked when he replied that he was.  I was ready to run, but was afraid of what might happened if I did.  Trying to keep things light until the scheduled call from my roommate, I made a joke.  That’s when he laughed really hard and I saw the reason for the stiff mouth.

DUDE HAD NO TEETH!! None.  Zip. If he had some, they were doing a great job at playing hide and seek. 

At that moment, my roommate called and I was literally saved by the bell.  I used her call as an excuse to escape. Because he didn’t drive, he asked me could I drop him off at his house. I told him that I wouldn’t have time, apologized, and left. He called my phone for weeks until my roommate answered one day and told him I died coming to pick her up.

...it wasn't

 

When my friends bring up the date, we always joke that he suggested the ice cream parlor because he couldn’t eat solid foods.  We looked back at his profile and realized he always had a closed mouth smile. My friend also noticed in one of the pictures there was a Maltese in the background. Yep, a gangster with a girly dog (or maybe it belonged to a gangsta boo he didn’t tell me about).

So that is my worst date ever… a toothless gang banger that I am thankful didn’t carjack me that night!