Yes, I am the one who recommended checking out a guy before you go out with him. The Ladies know that if they want the dirt on someone, I can find it. I know where to look up someone's criminal history, how much they paid for their house, and in some cases, how much they make. Yes folks, there's a lot of info about all of us on the internet.
Although I know how to accumulate a PI-worthy dossier about someone, I strongly recommend against doing this when you're dating someone. Sure, do a simple google search to make sure the guy won't throw you in the back of an unmarked van at the end of your date. But once you decide that you're actually into the person you're seeing, leave it alone.You really don't need to know what he was instagramming 18 months ago. If you become his facebook friend, I beg you, do not go searching through his friends to figure out which ones are his exes. Do you really want to picture that woman's face every time he mentions her from now on? Do you really want to obsess over her perfect skin/teeth/figure/whatever and wonder if your ex still thinks about her? The answer is a big fat NO.
One of the pitfalls of dating in our 30s is the unfortunate fact that everyone has baggage. Let's be honest - if someone doesn't have relationship baggage by their 30s, then they probably haven't dated much and might bring some immaturity/inexperience issues to the table. Guys in their 20s might still ask me what my "lady number" is, but guys in their 30s know better. Most people who are still single in their 30s (or divorced) are inevitably going to have racked up more partners than we expected when we were 17. Even as someone who falls squarely in that category, it still sucks to think about all the other women who have been in a man's life before I got there. My green-eyed monster is real, y'all.
When I met my current beau, I had to face this issue immediately, because one of The Ladies had previously dated him (which I didn't realize until after we'd scheduled our first date). In fact, many of The Ladies have dated the same men in 3-Degrees-of-Separation-RVA over the last several years, but that's another day and another blog post. After clearing with said Lady that proceeding with the date was OK, I had to decide not to think about whatever happened between her and this guy in the past. That hasn't proved too difficult, perhaps because I already know that this Lady is classy and stylish and fun - and no longer interested. For me, it's harder to know that there are Serious Girlfriends of Yesteryear in my man's past who were also attractive, accomplished women. In this situation, I'm making a different choice than I did in the past. Every time those curiosities about previous relationships enter my mind, every time the doubts and anxieties creep in, I just choose to think about something else. Neither he nor I can change the past, and truth be told, I wouldn't want to change mine if I could. So I'm following the words of the not-at-all-wise Chris Brown:
I don't wanna go there... we should never go there...
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