Ain't Nobody Got Time For That!

As little girls, we dream that our handsome Prince Charming will come galloping along on his white horse, scoop us up and take us to his castle, where we will want for nothing and live happily ever after.

I'm still waiting for him.  But more specifically, I'd like the Italian, Middle Eastern, Latin variety. Around 6'1", athletic, sans horse, substitute European sports car.  Buys his suits from Hugo Boss and knows how to order a scotch.

Like him!

So I don't settle.

I know, I know.  My standards are high.  But they are what they are.  And I've been lucky to date a couple of hotties recently.  Although they were merely flings.  Sigh.

Enter Dr. Swoon.  I met him online (of course) sometime back.  He seemed pretty handsome, dark hair and eyes, big smile.  He reached out to me and we started chatting back and forth. According to him he liked to travel the world, has a lovely home in the city and enjoys working out. It took us several messages for him to tell me what he did for a living.  Then he told me - a pediatric oncologist.  Seriously?  A doctor that takes care of sick kids?  And hot?  I was sure my online dating days were over!

So we decided to meet for dinner.  I rarely, if ever, meet for dinner, because I know within about 15 seconds of seeing a guy if I'll ever sleep with him. And if I know I won't ever, why sit through a whole dinner?  So… I threw that logical thinking out the window and decided to eat with Swoon.

As I walked up to the restaurant, I saw the shadow of my new man.  As I got closer, I got more excited.  Then two seconds from seeing his face, I realized he was about 300 pounds.  Oh-My-God.  I hugged him anyway.  We got into the restaurant and sat down.  Finally I was able to see him in the light.  He looked something like this:

Much different than my Hugo Boss model above.

As I sat down at the table, the waitress looked at me and said, "Are you okay?"  Yes, the waitress could see the sheer terror on my face!!  I said, "Yes, I'm just cold."  LIE.  LIE.  LIE.  

As we were talking, he told me that he enjoyed working out.  Again LIES, LIES, LIES.  All LIES!  I think he could tell I was over it quickly.  He then proceeded to tell me that he likes shopping.  He said he likes shopping for "other people".  Ahem, ain't no amount of money or Tiffany pendants gonna get you in these panties!!  

I couldn't bear to tell the guy that he totally misled me with his photos.  But he knew.  And he looked older than his stated 42.  Oh, and I almost forgot to mention his Vienna sausage fingers (all the same length).  Can't imagine being caressed by those.

So I politely paid for my own drink and ran out the door.  

OK - Let me back up a second.  I should have known.  His photos were just of his face. I started feeling doubtful as I got ready for the date.  And I should've trusted my ahem, gut.  I should have asked for a full body shot.  I'm partially to blame.  So next time, before meeting just a face shot, I will get a full body because, as the wise Sweet Brown once said: