Swagger Factor

We've all been there.

It's a lovely date at a reputable Richmond dining establishment. The food is delicious, the wine is flowing, and the ambient chatter in the dining room isn't too loud. You're staring across the table at your date. He's handsome enough, doesn't give off any weird vibes, hasn't mentioned a prison conviction/baby mamas/his social treatise on the inferiority of women. He went to a good school. He has a successful career. He's asking thoughtful, but not intrusive questions. His nail beds are clean, he's wearing a decent watch, and it looks like he ran a hot iron over that button up. (Bonus points if it came from Ledbury.)

You're being charming. Your laughter is appropriate and well-timed. You flip your hair enough to appear coquettish but not so much that you look like a spastic ditz. As he talks, you listen and observe. You're mentally checking off all of the qualities you look for in a partner.



He pays the check, walks you to your car. The two of you chat a bit and make plans to "do it again sometime." Maybe there's a hug in there somewhere or a shy peck on the cheek. On the drive home you have hundreds of text messages from gal pals asking how your date went. "It went fine" you reply. It really did. You're not lying. But why do you feel as if you are?? Why do you have this gnawing sensation that something just wasn't quite right??

You toss and turn for the rest of the night. You replay the ENTIRE date in your head the next day at work. You meet for drinks with your girlfriends to analyze and discuss. WTF is wrong?? Why are you not jazzed about seeing this seemingly perfect male specimen again? And then, one day while you're in the shower or sitting at a red light, it hits you.......EUREKA!
.....THERE WAS NO SWAGGER FACTOR!

Don't ask me for a Wikipedia-esque definition because I will be unable to provide one. Each girl's definition of the Swagger Factor is different. You ever seen a nerd pull a random hot chick (without the use of dollar bills)? It's because in her eyes he exudes Swagger. Maybe he said something that made her laugh. Maybe she was turned on by the elbow patches on his sweater. No matter. Because for each female, the main constant in the equation for Swagger Factor is her desire to bang him. There's something about nerd boy that biologically affects Barbie enough to want to bang him.

For those of you old enough to remember, I'm going to reference My So Called Life, a wonderful teen angst show that was cancelled prematurely and thus negatively affected an entire generation as a result. Angela (played by Claire Danes) had a 'thang' for Jordan Catalano (played by Jared Leto). He wasn't smart. It was the early 90's, so he dressed like a hobo. But in one scene, when asked why she was crushing so hard on Jordan Catalano, Angela's response was, "I don't know. He just leans great."

Just shut up and keep leaning.

Why do I remember that one line from 20 YEARS AGO (omg I'm that old?!)? I'll tell you why...because it's true. Jordan Catalano had Swagger Factor and all that dummy hobo had to do was lean nonchalantly on a locker. His standing presence made Angela wanna be a groundbreaker for MTV's "16 & Pregnant." There are certain men who have Universal Swagger Factor: David Beckham, George Clooney, and Channing Tatum to name a few.

So the next time you're sitting in a restaurant parking lot asking yourself why you're hesitant to confirm a second date with the clean-cut CEO who volunteers at an orphanage on weekends and makes Shrimp Fra Diavolo from scratch, relax. You're not crazy. You just can't find his Swagger Factor. Shhhh.... Shhhhh. Stop crying because it's okay.